I Need You
by LivForever
Summary: "I don't know if I can do it anymore," she said staring straight at the wall in front of her. A lone tear fell down her cheek, "and that scares the hell out of me."
1. Chapter 1

Olivia eyed the drink that sat in front of her. It was haunting her and she knew she shouldn't do it. She was too hurt to turn away. She was tired of being strong and pretending that she was fine when really she wasn't. Brian had tried to help and she just started an argument; she would regret it later.

Now the musty smell of the bar filled her nostrils and the quiet chatter around her became clear. She sighed and reached out to grab the glass, downing the poison quickly. "Give me another one," she waved to the bartender.

The bartender, Max, knew Olivia fairly well. They were good acquaintances because she came into his bar on several occasions with her co-workers. This night was different though and Max knew it. "Are you sure?" he asked her, "I could call you a cab."

Olivia glared at him. She was sick of other people trying to control her life. For once she just wanted to be in control. "Just get me the damn drink."

Max opened his mouth to say something but decided against it. He knew Brian's number so he decided to give his good pal a call before handing Olivia her second drink of the evening.

An hour passed by and Olivia was still sitting at the same bar stool with the same lost look on her face. She had only had two drinks and now she was playing with the shell of a cracked peanut.

"Liv, what are you doing?"

She turned around to see Brian wearing his leather jacket and jeans. He didn't seem to happy that he had found her in a bar.

"Drinking," she said simply, showing off her empty glass to him.

"I'm taking you home," he said grabbing her purse and her arm and guiding her toward the door.

"Get off of me," Olivia said in a voice that lacked emotion.

"You're drunk," Brian assumed, "I'm taking you home. We can talk in the morning."

"I'm not drunk," Olivia clarified as she yanked away from him, "I had two drinks. Why are you here? You hate me remember?" She looked at him with sad eyes. He hadn't realized how much their fight had affected her.

"Liv…"

"I'll go home when I'm damn good and ready," she said turning around and heading back to the seat she once occupied. "Another," she called to Max.

Brian stood there staring at Olivia from behind. He wondered how she had gotten like this. She used to be so different, so full of life. "Olivia, I don't hate you," he whispered as he sat down at the stool next to hers and ordered himself a beer. "I didn't think before I said that. We were fighting…"

"Save it," Olivia angrily, "I don't care anymore." She reached into her pocket and pulled out some money, slamming it on the counter top and storming out of the smoke filled room.

"How many drinks did she have?" Brian asked Max.

"Two," Max sighed, "She seemed upset so, I figured I would call you. She's been here for five hours."

Brian nodded and took a swig of his beer before thanking Max for the gesture and heading out. He would give Olivia a little time to get home and settled in before he would show up and use his key to get in. He knew no matter how stubborn she was and that no matter how many times she said she didn't want company; she didn't want to be alone.

He walked the several blocks to her apartment building and then looked up to see if her lights were on. They weren't. He was going to head up when he heard a crash from the alley beside her apartment. His instinct told him to run and check it out.

"Olivia! What the hell are you doing?!"

Olivia turned to look at him with tears pouring down her face. Her eye liner was ruined and her blazer had been tossed to the rock ground. Glass was shattered on the asphalt around her.

"I had to get rid of it," she sobbed.

Brian just looked at her; waiting for an explanation.

"I'm so tired," she whispered through her tears, "I'm just so tired…"

"Let's go inside," Brian said as he wrapped his arm around her back and led her into her apartment. He sat her down on the couch and slipped of her shoes. She had still been wearing her work clothes.

"I'll make you some tea," he said before taking off into the kitchen. He came back with a mug of warm chamomile tea and handed it to her.

"What were you doing down there?" he asked referring to the alley.

"Getting rid of all the alcohol in my house," she answered as if it were no big deal.

"Why?"

"Because if it was in front of me I would drink it."

"This case really got to you, didn't it?"

"This case?" Olivia scoffed, "every case gets to me. Children and women and every victim that walks through that door gets to me. If I can't help them then what is the point? I try so hard to give them justice and it doesn't matter."

"You know that's not true," Brian said to her, "You're getting those cheap bastards off the street. You're giving the victims the help they need."

"I don't know if I can do it anymore," she said staring straight at the wall in front of her. A lone tear fell down her cheek, "and that scares the hell out of me."

"If you can't do it… you can't do it… you have been in the field longer than any other sex crimes detective ever. You've done more than share. You have seen… more than anyone should ever have to. You have helped countless of victims survive."

"That's just it," she said to him, "I gave my whole life to the job and what do I have to show for it? That makes me sound selfish because I care about the victims, I really do. I wish I could do more for them but, I can't. I'm just one person."

"Exactly," Brian said sympathetically. He had never seen this side of her before. "You are just one person… you can't do it all."

"I feel like… I just… I need a break."

"So take one," Brian offered, "We could take one together."

Olivia looked at him like she was seriously considering it. "You hate me."

"I don't," he assured her, "I love you so much." He reached up to cup her cheek in his hand. "It was just a spur of the moment thing and I didn't mean a word I said."

Olivia nodded. "I just want to go to bed," she said standing up off the couch, "Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow."

"Goodnight," he said as he watched her walk down the hallway and into her bedroom.

"Goodnight."


	2. Chapter 2

She wasn't sure what had woke her up. Maybe it was because she felt him next to her or maybe it was the strong smell of his shampoo. She turned her head to see him sleeping soundly on the pillow next to hers. After everything that had happened yesterday she was surprised he still loved her. She sometimes wished he didn't. Couldn't he see that she was no good for him? She sighed and realized that she had to end this before it was too late. She was already attached to him and maybe ending it soon would soften the blow.

Olivia turned over to face the red neon numbers of her alarm clock and was relieved when the numbers read 6:24. The sun was slowly coming up and soon it would radiate across the New York skyline. She hoped by then that she would have enough courage built up to call it quits. She quietly climbed out of bed; careful not to disturb Brian, and made her way into the kitchen where she sat down on one of the bar stools. She had too much on her mind that she didn't even think about coffee.

She had looked around the kitchen looking for something to make this easier for her. Maybe she would see something that would make her angry but, nothing. Instead she saw a stack of brochures sitting neatly in a pile. She stretched her arm across the bar and picked them up. The first one read _Bahamas_. The second read _Cancun_. She recalled Brian saying they should take a vacation but, she didn't realize he meant it. Maybe a vacation was just what she needed. Maybe then she could get over her self-pity and her and Brian could get closer together. Maybe a break from SVU would make her realize just how much she needed to be there.

"You're up early," Brian said, surprising Olivia and causing her to jump slightly. She dropped the brochures out of her hand and pretended she hadn't looked at them.

"Uh, yeah, sorry I woke you."

"You didn't." Brian walked to the other side of the bar so he was in the kitchen. He turned the coffee pot on and then grabbed two mugs from the cabinet, sitting them on the counter. "I know you looked at them."

Olivia sighed. "Do you really think going on vacation together is the best thing? Can't you see after last night that I'm a little crazy and…"

"And what?"

"… And I don't want you to get hurt." She hid her eyes from him, afraid of the look he would be giving her.

"I won't," Brian said as he continued to shuffle around in the kitchen, "because you love me. A vacation is just what you need, Liv. Time away from the precinct is exactly what you need."

Olivia sighed and looked down at the plate that Brian had just sat in front of her view. It was a toasted bagel with cream cheese on it; her favorite simple breakfast. "I wasn't just upset last night because of work," she whispered.

Brian looked at her as he pulled out a chair and sat down with his own breakfast. He was going to sit quietly and let her talk.

"I was upset because… because we were fighting…"

"People fight, Olivia. That's how you know the love is real."

Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat. "I'm sorry… for what I said…"

"Me too… I don't hate you. I could never hate you. Your pretty face makes that quite hard."

Olivia let out a small chuckle. Leave it to Brian to make her laugh at a time like this. "Is that all I am to you? A pretty face?"

"You're much more than that," Brian said and he meant it. Olivia was so much more to him than she would ever be able to understand.

Olivia didn't know what to say so she changed the topic. "So, the Bahamas?"

Brian shrugged. "Yeah, you know, a little sun and clear blue water. The fresh air."

"We could go next week," Olivia said subtly, "I have the week off…"

Olivia couldn't see it but Brian was smiling from ear to ear. He was determined to make her see what she deserved. He was determined to prove his love to her and to prove herself to her. A vacation was what they both needed. Time to let the fresh salt filled air clear their minds and restore their souls.

"We leave Sunday morning at 4," Brian said as he took a bite of his bagel.

Olivia looked at him with wide eyes. "You already booked it?"

Brian nodded and then that famous smirk appeared on his face. "I was hoping you would say yes," he admitted. "I already got us a house and everything."

"A house? You rented a house?"

Brian nodded. "It's going to be great. Just you and me and the deep blue ocean."

If Olivia was being honest; the thought of being alone with Brian for a week scared her. She wouldn't have the precinct nearby to escape to when things got tough. She would be forced to battle it out. Maybe that's what Brian wanted. Maybe he was trying to teach her that he wasn't going anywhere. She just didn't want to hurt him… She loved him.

"In that case," Olivia said pushing her thoughts away, "I'm going to need a new bikini."

"Fine by me," Brian said as he pretended not to be exciting by the fact that she would be wearing a bikini in front of him. Even the thoughts made him feel hot.

Olivia chuckled again. "Don't get any ideas."

Brian nudged her with his elbow and somehow Olivia knew that things were going to be okay. Brian hadn't ran yet and it seemed to her that they were on good terms. They were going on vacation and laughing together. Maybe things would work out after all. Just maybe…


	3. Chapter 3

"Look at this place," Olivia gasped as they stepped onto the dock that would lead them to their house.

They sky was clear blue with puffy white clouds spread far out and the sun's golden rays were beaming down onto their skin. The sand was white and warm and felt perfect as Olivia took her flip flops off to step on it. Out here she felt like she could let all of worries go and just enjoy it. She had Brian by her side and what more could she ask for?

"Here it is," Brian said as he sat his suitcase down so he could unlock the door.

The house they were staying at wasn't that big because it was only meant for vacations. It had one bedroom, a small kitchen, a living room and of course a bathroom. There was a big glass door that faced the ocean and could open up whenever you wanted to let the breeze in. It was all just so perfect and so serene.

"Well," Olivia said once they had sat their luggage down inside, "what should we do first?"

"We could go to the beach," Brian suggested. He really wanted to see Olivia in the new purple bikini she had gotten just for the occasion.

Olivia smiled. She could read Brian like an open book. "Or… we could get some shopping in."

Brian gave a twisted face to Olivia because she knew how much he hated shopping. "Kidding," Olivia teased, "Let's get changed and hit the beach."

Brian was the first to change into his dark blue swimming trunks so he figured he might as well shuffle through their luggage to find the suitcase carrying the towels. Luckily the first one he opened was the right one. He pulled out a green and a purple beach towel and draped them over his arm.

"Let's go," Olivia said as she came out of the bedroom in her swim gear. She had on a purple bikini but she was wearing a thin white coverup over top of it. Brian could see the outline of her bathing suit perfectly and he just wished she would take the coverup off.

"Let's go," he agreed.

They took off outside back into the summer heat and walked barefoot toward the light blue water. The beach area looked to be empty and the only sounds you could hear were the birds near by and the waves colliding gently into the sand.

"This looks like a good spot," Olivia said taking her sunglasses off and tossing them gently to the sand. Brian sat their towels down and pulled his shirt off over his head. He was hoping Olivia would do the same.

"Aren't you going to take that off?" Brian asked before they headed closer toward the water.

"I don't know..." Olivia said, "I'm not very comfortable with that..."

"Come on, Liv," Brian said scooting closer to her, "Your body is great." He stared into her gorgeous brown orbs as he reached to the bottom of the thin cotton and began pulling it off over her head. Her perfectly tanned abdomen was now showing as he tossed the coverup to the sandy ground.

"Beautiful," he repeated and he meant it.

"Let's get in the water," she said reaching for his hand and leading them further down and closer to the cold liquid. It would be a great refresher for their warm bodies during the hot summer day.

Olivia dived right in, splashing Brian while she did so. When she came up from under the water Brian literally felt his breath being taken away. They way she slicked her hair back and flashed him her gorgeous and rare smile.

"This is great," Olivia said swimming over next to him. "Just us and the water... it's peaceful."

"Good," Brian said, "that's what I was going for. Oh and before I forget, I'm taking you to the bar tonight. Their having a live band and drinks are half priced. It'll be fun."

Olivia nodded. She hadn't seen a live band since... since she could remember. It seemed like fun and spending it with Brian made it sound even better. Plus a few drinks and she figured her and Brian could go back to the house and have a little fun. She was really starting to see how much she cared for him.

Olivia and Brian stayed outside in the water for a good hour before other people started joining them and then they decided it was time to head back. They were getting hungry anyway and Brian was starting to get a little burnt.

"I can't believe you burn so easily," Olivia teased as they made their way inside.

"Hey," Brian said, "just because you tan instead of burn doesn't mean we all do."

Olivia laughed. "I forget."

Before looking in the phone book and seeing what they could order for lunch they changed out of their wet clothes and into some nice dry ones. Olivia put on a pair of jean shorts that she had never worn before and a nice silky blue tank top with a v-neck. Brian was definitely enjoying this side of Olivia. She seemed much more relaxed and happy than before.

"I think I could get used to things down here," Olivia said as she joined Brian at the kitchen bar. "How about you?"

"I could definitely get used to it."

"Ooo, Chinese," Olivia said when she found a Chinese restaurant that was right down the road and delivered.

"Chinese it is."

**Next: Things are going good but, what happens when one of them has a little too much to drink?**


	4. Chapter 4

The sounds of the trumpets and smooth vocals coming from the jazz band was already filling the air when Brian and Olivia arrived. They picked two seats at the bar and ordered their first drinks. The bar was pretty small and crowded with eager people who enjoyed music and who all looked like they too were on vacation.

"This is a nice little place," Brian said as he took a drink of his beer.

Olivia nodded, "You won't find a bar like this in Manhattan." She too took a drink of her fruity beverage that sported a tiny pink umbrella.

"Can I have this dance?" Brian asked after his first drink had been finished.

Olivia nodded and happily took his offered hand. She followed him to the floor where other couples seemed lost in their own world.

Brian wrapped his hands around Olivia's waist and she wrapped her arms around his neck as the band continued to play a slow song. They danced to a few more songs before heading back to their seats and ordering more drinks. Both of them were letting loose and enjoying their time until Brian suggested they head back.

"Why?" Olivia asked with a slur to her voice, "we're having fun."

"I'm not having fun anymore," Brian said laying some money down on the table, "let's go."

"Bri," Olivia said following after him as he made a beeline toward the door, "what's wrong?"  
Brian stopped in his tracks and turned around to face Olivia. His face was red with anger and Olivia had no idea what she had done. "I saw you looking at the bartender."

"What?" Olivia chuckled, "Brian, are you serious?"

The look on his face showed that he was. "How many drinks have you had tonight?"

Olivia rolled her arms and crossed her arms over her chest defensively. "Why does it matter?"

"Because it does."

"I had three," she replied angrily, "the same amount as you."

Brian shook his head and turned away to head back to the house. He couldn't stand to look at Olivia right now because he was afraid he would say something he might regret. Olivia followed him silently. She didn't want to fight out in the open where people could listen in to something that was a private matter. When they got back to the house Brian finally let his thoughts come out.

"If you don't want to be with me then just say so," he said through clenched teeth. He slipped his shoes off and threw them over by the door.

"Brian, I wasn't looking at the bartender! Why would I do that?"

"Because you're drunk."

"I'm not drunk!" Olivia said throwing her hands defenselessly in the air.

"Is that what your mother used to say?"

Olivia froze as a jolt of pain ripped through her. She felt her eyes burning so she turned around and made her way into the bedroom before Brian could see her tears. She slammed the door hard behind her and Brian knew he would be sleeping on the couch. He sighed and bowed his head to the floor, rubbing the back of his neck. It didn't take long for him to hear Olivia's sobs. He regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. He knew how sensitive the subject was and he was blaming his self for throwing it in her face. He just couldn't help but notice how much Olivia had been drinking lately. He was worried about her. He didn't mean to make her so upset... He figured he would give her an hour and then go in and apologize. He would let her become less angry before he talked to her.

Olivia fell down onto the bed and buried her face into the pillow. She let the sobs flow out of her and she couldn't control them. She couldn't believe Brian would say that to her. It hadn't even been a month ago when she had the serious conversation with him about her mother. She had cried then and he had consoled her and now he was just throwing it in her face? More tears escaped as she relived the moment that happened not that long ago. She was pulled out of her thoughts when there was a soft knock on the door. She hadn't realized how long she had been crying.

"I don't want to talk," Olivia said.

Brian didn't listen and opened the door anyway. "Liv," he said quietly, making his way to the bed and sitting down on the edge, "we need to talk."

"You made it pretty clear what you think about me," Olivia said as she sat up and swatted angrily at her tears.

Brian's heart broke as he saw how upset he had made her.

"I'm sorry for what I said," Brian said honestly, "but Liv... you've been drinking a lot lately."

Olivia was silent.

"I'm worried about you. Things were tough before we came up here and I just want to see you happy."

She still didn't say anything.

"When you told me about your mother, you told me to never let you end up like her," he went on. "So, I'm not. I'm just trying to keep up my promise."

Olivia choked out a sob at that and Brian couldn't just watch anymore. He scooted closer to her and wrapped his arms around her protectively. She gave up the fight and let her head rest against him.

"I didn't mean to start a fight," Brian said gently, "that really wasn't my intention. Maybe a bar just wasn't the best place to go... I'm sorry."

**Next: Olivia accepts his apology but not before telling him something that's been weighing heavily on her mind.**


	5. Chapter 5

"I know that I have been drinking quite a bit lately," Olivia said quietly, still wrapped in Brian's embrace. Brian kept quiet because he knew that Olivia needed him to just listen. "Everything is just... difficult. Lately it just seems like my life is moving by so fast and I'm just staying in one place, you know? Every day I wake up and it's the same thing. Go to work, see all the children in the squad room, listen to their stories..." Olivia's voice cracked and Brian wrapped his arms tighter around her while gently rubbing the small of her back.

"That doesn't have to be your life," Brian said gently, "it doesn't, Liv. You have something more than just that job now. You have me. Believe me, Liv, I'm not going anywhere."

"I want this to work," Olivia said pulling her head off of his shoulder and looking him in the eyes. Hers had been red from where she was crying but Brian couldn't tell in the moon lit room. She looked beautiful to him as the moon cascaded off of her. "I want us to work but, I'm so scared. I haven't done this before. Something this serious or something with this much love. It's new to me and I don't want to mess it up."

"You won't," Brian smiled, "I haven't done this either. We can do it together."

Olivia smiled and for a moment she had forgotten all about their argument. The only thing she could think about was how happy she felt in this moment. She was entangled in Brian's arms and it was like all of her worries melted away.

"I'm sorry for what I said," Brian apologized, "I was just angry... I didn't mean it."

Olivia nodded, "let's just forget it," she smiled, "tomorrow is a new day and we can make up for it then."

"I love you, Olivia," Brian said before leaning closer to her if that was possible and planting a passionate kiss on her lips. When he pulled away he pulled Olivia to his chest and situated them comfortably on the bed under the covers. The night was late and he was well aware of how tired Olivia was. He had his arm wrapped around her, playing with her hair, while she rested her head on his chest. They both closed their eyes and went to sleep loving each other more than they had previously.

The next morning was a new start for the both of them. Everything felt out in the open now and they both knew how they wanted this relationship to work. Brian was up early, making breakfast, and cleaning the house so Olivia wouldn't insist on doing it later. He wanted them to just enjoy the day with each other watching movies and swimming at the beach and basking in the warm rays from the sun.

"Something smells good in here," Olivia commented with a smile as she shuffled into the kitchen wearing her pajamas and her hair disheveled. She gave Brian a kiss before reaching into the fridge and pulling out a carton of orange juice.

"That would be me," Brian said with a smirk as he flipped the bacon over in the grease filled skillet, "I finally decided to take a shower."

Olivia chuckled before pouring herself a glass of juice and taking a sip. She looked to the clock on the microwave and noticed that it was only eight in the morning. She was used to getting up this early but, Brian wasn't. He would sleep all day if you let him.

"How long have you been up?" she questioned as she made her way to sit at the bar, overlooking Brian as he cooked.

"Since six-thirty," he said with a shrug, "I wanted to start the day early."

"Clearly you don't know the meaning of vacation," Olivia teased as she leaned against the kitchen counter.

Brian rolled his eyes playfully, "just enjoy your breakfast, okay?" He tossed a couple of pieces of bacon on a plate already full of toast and fried eggs and handed it to Olivia. "I worked pretty hard."

"Looks good," Olivia said as she carried it to the kitchen table with Brian following behind. "So, what do you have up your sleeve for today?"

"I figured we could go to the beach for a little while. Maybe have lunch down there. Then we could rent some movies and just spend the day cuddling on the couch…"

Olivia smiled to herself; she loved the sound of that. It was the perfect date. "I like that very much."

**Just a little something because I haven't updated in FOREVER. I know, I know. **


End file.
